The Great Glastonbury Patchwork Puzzle
Glastonbury 2025's set times are finally here, and while most of us are busy frantically checking for clashes (and pretending we'll actually see more than one act), one name has everyone scratching their heads: Patchwork.
This isn't some tiny, tucked-away band on a small stage. Nope. Patchwork is playing the Pyramid Stage at 6:15 pm on Saturday – sandwiched between John Fogerty and RAYE, right before Neil Young's headline set. A prime-time slot. For a band virtually no one's heard of.
So, Who ARE Patchwork?
That's the million-dollar question. A quick Google search reveals a couple of obscure bands using the name: a folk-rock group from Canada and a hardcore band from Tennessee. But let's be honest, Glastonbury isn't exactly known for booking obscure Canadian folk-rock to warm up for Neil Young.
Glastonbury’s silence on the matter only fuels the conspiracy theories. This feels like a total smokescreen, designed to hide a much bigger name. It’s happened before – remember 2023's "The ChurnUps," who turned out to be the Foo Fighters? Total pandemonium.
Internet Theories Run Wild
The internet, as it always does, has gone into overdrive. The guesses are all over the map:
- Matty Healy doing a solo stint
- Dua Lipa in disguise (always a fun one!)
- A surprise Blur reunion
- Florence + The Machine for another sunset spiritual experience
- A supergroup of artists already on the bill – imagine RAYE, Four Tet, and whoever else fancies a jam session!
- Or...it's no one famous at all, and we're all collectively losing our minds. Honestly, that's a pretty valid theory too.
But the frontrunners in my book? The 1975, using a pseudonym, or maybe even a secret Arctic Monkeys slot. Fingers crossed!
More Than Just Patchwork
Patchwork isn't the only mysterious act. There are a few other "TBA" slots and cryptic names floating around, keeping the speculation alive. I've heard rumours about a glitchy-looking name on the Tree Stage that might be Four Tet.
What Now?
We wait. We speculate. We refresh Twitter incessantly. We argue with strangers online about whether Dua Lipa's tour bus has been spotted near the A303. One thing’s for sure: Patchwork isn't random. You don't get that slot unless you're a big deal…or part of a seriously epic Glastonbury stunt.
It could be iconic. It could be chaotic. Or, maybe, it will be both. Only time – and Glastonbury itself – will tell.
